musings on expectations in relationships
a hot take on why we need to meet the people in our lives with unconditional love
I’ve always believed in expectations in relationships - if someone doesn’t meet me in the ways that I need consistently, I need to reevaluate the relationship and it’s presence in my life.
Naturally, I am a low-maintenance friend so the bar for “expectations” and communication is set respective to that. In my relationships I value presence over cadence. This is in part due to my own shortcomings when it comes to keeping in touch digitally - I suck at responding to texts and returning calls to the point where I have a block every Monday from 4-5pm to catch up and reply to things. Can you really blame me? There’s so many apps and ways to keep in touch it’s exhausting and doesn’t leave me with energy or thoughts for things that I really value - in person hangouts.
Recently, I’ve been reflecting a lot on how I show up as a friend/partner/daughter/sibling and by looking closely at myself in relationships. I’ve started to think about the expectations put on me and how the weight of those can sometimes feel like too much to carry. The way I view myself is often dictated by who I am and how I show up when I’m at my best - when I have minimal stress and disruption in my own life I’m able to show up and pour love into my people. This sets the standard for how I show up in relationships, but there is a natural deviation from the baseline set as I evolve through different chapters in life. My expectations of those closest to me is also set by who they are when they are at their best - but I don’t think depth in relationships grows from who we are at our best. It shows up from loving people and accepting them despite these variances - choosing to love them through their imperfections, because that’s loving someone for all of them. We need to meet the people we love with where they are.
Love and relationships are broken down into two major parts - giving and receiving. Today I want to dive into how and why I’ve reframed how I give love and why I feel lighter because of it.
The digital world has changed our expectations of relationships drastically through:
Consumption of content and having access to other people’s lives.
The ability to stay constantly connected
It’s a proverb as old as time - comparison really is the thief of joy, and I think uninformed expectations can be as well. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have expectations of the people in your life - your time and energy is valuable, but relationships can’t just be based on your expectations - they need to also have a level of acceptance for the other person. Variances are natural and I love people for who they are at their core, not who they are objectively on a good day or a bad day. As long as their character hasn’t changed, I will still choose to keep showing up in the best way I can.
To regulate feelings of neglect when my expectations aren’t met, I now:
Diversified my close relationships so these expectations for me as an individual can be met by multiple people.
I communicate disappointment in relationships through curiosity instead of complaining/accusations.
I try to put myself in the other person’s shoes - why have they deviated from their baseline and what can I do to support them and show them love? By focusing on the macro elements of people’s lives, I’m able to gain a deeper understanding for variances at a micro level.
I’m honest with myself about times I haven’t been able to show up for people, and introspect into why I wasn’t able to.
If someone isn’t able to give me the love I expect or need, I instead aim to meet them with more love. All of the times I’ve needed love have been when I feel the most undeserving of it. By giving unconditional love I’ve had the gift of receiving it - being loved when I’m imperfect and going through a change. Right now I don’t call text my friends or show up as excited as I did a month ago, but I need to know they love me and still choose to spend time with me more than ever.
When our expectations are not being met and we approach them with disappointment, we go in with the assumption that someone is intentionally neglecting us due to a lack of care/love from their end.
No love is given in vain - it’s energy and it will find itself back to you ten fold the more selfless you are with it. It might not be from the people you give it to - but is it really love if it’s transactional and tied to expectations?
I’m humbled with the love I’ve been met with through this transitionary period in my life, and grateful for the lovely humans in my life.
As always, these musings are based on my lived experience so naturally there is nuance. I’d love to hear about how you navigate expectations in relationships, and whether you believe in unconditional love.
Thanks for reading my rambles as always. If you resonated with this, feel free to share it with a friend!
With love,
Rabs